Devastation
by angel white
Summary: Hikari realizes that she can no longer live in a dream and decides to get what she wants.. but prices must be paid.


yakari

Devastation

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[Author's notes: This is for Gatomon_1, Kara. I hope it was worth it. ~_^ Though… it turned more into an angst-y Hikari now that I think of it…this is all from Kari's perspective. Writing this was torture! It must be like the 10,000 time I attempted to write one…so many plot ideas laying wasted. ::sigh:: if I do write a sequel, it won't be from Kari's view at all.]

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I wasn't thinking about much that day. 

Life was so simple and yet so complicated, that I thought I could attempt to cherish it all at once. At least, that's what I hoped for. And one day I just happened to get lucky, but it would prove to be utterly wrong. I was wrong, and so foolish, that I threw away all I could have ever had for a dream that would never come true. And now we're all left each with a piece of our shattered illusions.

Never meant to be.

I thought I was happy then. I wanted to be. Yet my discomfort and unhappiness was what controlled my thoughts. I was so perfect for everyone that my flaws were non-existent to them. If I only let them see the real me. If only I admitted then my true motives… then maybe, I could have stood a chance. I'm not happy now, either. More resigned. I knew I had to give it all up. My love, and the one who loved me. I lost them both that day, because I was such a heartless fool. These days, I don't see Takeru much anymore. I wish I did. I wish I knew then what I do now. I wish I weren't such a lovesick fool. A crush is a crush, I suppose, but I took it out of hand. Yamato was never interested in me like I wanted him to be, so I complained about what I had. Sweet, sensitive, nurturing Takeru. God how I wish there could have been another way. But I never really loved him at all.

I remember the first day that I saw Matt. God, we were so young. At least, I was. He was my brother Tai's friend. I had been sick earlier, so I never got to experience what they experienced. And the time was not good either. I asked him a lot of pointless questions, and I could sense his annoyance. Well, the world was practically falling to pieces around us, what more could I do?

__

"Matt. Will my mommy be all right? Hey, they got my mommy, but not my daddy! Do you think that Tai will be all right? Do you? I miss my mommy. I want Tai!"

I remember being so scared. I remember crying, too. Poor Matt had his hands full. Of course I had to be brave, so I thought that sacrificing myself would be the best thing to do. I was so stupid back then. I wish I had let him stop me. If I had, maybe I would have meant more to him than just being his 'charge', because I was entrusted to him by my brother.

If I am so desirable, why is it that those I desire don't desire me? At one point, everyone was falling over their feet to see who could catch me first. Daisuke, for starters. So I chose between him and Takeru then. Since Takeru has more of a connection to his brother, Matt. And he looks like him too, with those azure blue eyes. Of course, I was ready to settle for second best. Maybe if I had chosen Daisuke, things would have gone better. His sister was as in love with Matt as I was. But I had the upper edge over her. I knew Matt, and he never found me to be poor company. I only wish I were what he wanted. It was always Takeru who won out. He saved me from a world of darkness that I really belonged to, after all. I should have stayed there, and damn this place. Takeru was so persistent. Maybe it was because I thought of Matt, then too. It was easy to pretend that Takeru was his brother.

__

"Kari," he said to me. _"Remember I will always protect you. I don't want anything to happen to you ever. I care about you."_

I knew my choice was made for me. If only it had been Matt, saying those words, then I could have stopped with the secret glances. I carried his picture around with me and when Takeru wasn't around I would look at it and pretend to have a real conversation. I still have that picture. Maybe if I had chosen neither, Matt would have noticed me. I wish I had gone to that concert instead. I wish I had baked him cookies. But instead, I went to Ken's party. So much time I could have spent with him, yet I missed it.

: -: -: -: -: -:

So yes, back to _that_ particular day. I don't believe what the weather people say anymore. If any of it is actually true or not I don't really care. It was mist. Not rain, for you could still see the light from the sun attempting to penetrate, so everything was more of a bright, whitish blush color that hurt my eyes. But I like it, so it doesn't matter. It just insinuates that there is more hidden that the eye can't perceive, much like myself. Light, and yet mysterious. My name means light, you know: Hikari. I had just left Takeru's apartment. He wanted to talk of stupid things, like our hopes and plans for the future. 

__

"Some day; I'm going to get you a nice house Kari. Some day, you will fulfill all of your dreams and I will mine. Because we're special, Kari, you and I, it's just you and I, us. No one else matters. And we have to strive hard, I have to strive hard, to give you that house and protect your heart. You just have to follow your own path and you'll never be alone."

Naturally I played along. What else could I do? He actually believed that this dream, this fantasy of his could become real, that I wanted to live with him in a fairy-tale castle somewhere high above the clouds and that we really would do it. Illusion, Takeru, it's all illusion. I laughed, but to him it was like music; he sat there, smiling, without saying it I knew he was being serious. He knew the laugh was meant to be genuine; a laugh that meant, 'of course we'll get that future, we deserve it.' at least, to him it did. To me, it was more of, 'well, you just lost the house right there'. For I have plans for the future, and they do not include him.

I'm such a good actress. Or maybe I'm not, considering. I smoothed down the fabric of my pink skirt and wrapped my jacket a little closer before continuing down the steps and stepping onto the pavement in front of his building. The mist was just what I needed. It was sweet, innocent, refreshing. Representing everything I was and never could be. What people perceive of me is so different from what I am. Sometimes I wanted to yell and scream, but thank god for Miyako. She did all the screaming for me. 

Friends may have double uses, I suppose.

And I'm barely outside when I see him. At first, I'm not sure, because in the brightness of the sky and the semi-crowding of the street it's hard to tell. But I know him, even from a distant shadow. I know when it's him and not Takeru. And I want to tell him so badly, because I know he can be very emotionally upset and yet never show on the outside what he's feeling inside.

"Matt…" yet I know he can't hear me; my voice is low and there are still people in the street, but they all have places to go and he doesn't look like he's going anywhere. I don't know what it was that first attracted me to him. Maybe it wasn't his blond hair or his blue eyes, for Takeru has those too.

Maybe it was because he was older. And since I was young, older men still held more intrigue. They still do actually. There's something about an older guy that just turns me on. Maybe because he was such good friends with my brother. Maybe because he was Takeru's brother. He looked really upset. I mean, like he hadn't gotten sleep or something. 

"Matt… what's wrong? Hey!" and my legs were moving and my heart pumping for another chance to speak to him.

"Kari?" a question. He turns, to face me, and we are both alone in the street. Mist is in the air, and it hangs low. It's so pretty, and the coolness of it is refreshing. I thought that by some chance the best thing in the world had happened to me; here I was standing face to face with my long-standing dream.

"Matt." I said again, but the smile on my face is gone, so he can't see how much seeing him here means to me. He looks so dreadfully upset, and there's something about it that wants me to be able to take care for him, hold him and let him know it's all right. But the thing is, I had no idea what could have been wrong, and I found myself without anything to say.

"Look, Matt, you seem kind of down. Want to talk about it?" and soon we are walking down, to the park. The park at this time of year is still attempting to hold on to the green; desperately praying for the summer to live on. There are no people here, and all is silent, for a while, and I am glad, just to be walking with him.

As we sat down on a park bench he looked earnestly into my eyes. "Kari. Whatever I say stays between us. Okay?"

"Of course." I say, again trying to hide my smile. Matt looked away again, but I drape my arm around his back and he doesn't seem to notice or mind. "What is it?" I asked him again and this time he replied with a sigh, if it can be called that, a sound of such pain and longing that I didn't know how to react.

"Its Mimi." he paused, as he once again breathed and I found myself hating her. Of course he was dating Mimi; Sora had been so heartbroken that she apologized to my brother, but at that point he had gotten over her. Or, if he still hasn't, he hasn't said anything to me yet. And now he's beginning to speak again. "I'm so stupid. I went over and I saw Tai kissing her. Tai, he betrayed me! I don't know what to do, punch him out or break up with her. I didn't even wait to ask what happened," he stopped again, and looked into my face. "Tell me, am I just dumb or what? What did I do wrong for Tai to go after Mimi like that? Or maybe it was her; maybe she felt I couldn't give her enough."

I hate answering questions. This would be so perfect, if he breaks up with her. I can have him, maybe. Maybe this was a sign I was waiting for. He's sitting looking at me, waiting for an answer. Me, he wants me. He came to talk to me; maybe it was no accident that we met or were brought here. And all I want to say is how much I love him. But I can't. Not now.

"I… I don't know what to say, Matt." The words poured out of me as if they were put there by some different force.

"Can you defend either of them to me, Kari?" he asked, after pondering my statement, or probably his own. Maybe he couldn't quite grasp the fact that Mimi was fooling around with my brother no less and that maybe there was something else going on that didn't include him.

Defend Tai? I wanted to commend him. Though I have no idea why his lips would find Mimi's. Maybe it was a whole situation taken out of context, or maybe Tai had just had enough with Matt getting all of the girls. But then Tai turned Sora down when she became free again. God, none of them make any sense to me. I know what I should say; I should say, 'maybe you should talk to them, and find out what really happened', and then he'll go and I'll blow this chance forever. And it was that little voice in my head, the one that keeps me up at night wondering why the hell did I settle for second best and here I had Matt when he was vulnerable and to take what I can get.

"I don't think I can defend him, even if he is my brother. Maybe you should let a few days pass, and maybe they'll come to you. But you're the one who needs to make the decision, Matt." My hand reaches his shoulder, and slowly travels down his arm. The lamplight's are beginning to light up; sunset is on the verge and the mist becomes tinted with pink. It's such a pretty sight; I don't think I ever will forget it. It's like blood; blood mixed with so much water that it's turned pinkish; pinkish and liquid-y and it's spreading like a watercolor painting.

Yes, I, the insatiable Hikari Kamiya find this all pretty. And Matt is sitting, his face still hidden from me, but his expression changes, as it is thoughtful, and the breeze blows softly and the trees rustle. The clouds are thin, and low, so it's more of a haze, without the sun, and soon it will be a misty moon in the sky.

"A decision. It always comes down to a decision." He said, and as my mind had begun to wander of all my fantasies and dreams I had forgotten why we were even talking at all.

Right. Tai and Mimi. I want Matt to say that he never really loved her, but that's not true. I can sense this great pain within him. And now its just Matt, sitting in the lamplight surrounded in mist and me. Even as the shadows draw nearer and the mist becomes more than just clouds, but actual water droplets forming, I still don't mind it and it feels perfectly natural. My other hand slips into Matt's lap and I take one of his hands, and he looks at me and smiles and squeezes it. The connection made. "Kari. I'm so glad to have you as a listening ear. You have it easy, you know. You and TK have so much going for you two. If there's anything that I want, it's for the two of you to be happy and not have as many problems as I do."

That's all I am to him, a listening ear. Let me be the one you call; if you jump I'll break your fall. Damn it. I know he could sense me tense up as soon as he said that; I tried to relax quickly. "Yeah. I guess." 

That wasn't the answer he expected, and I turned my head to look away, but I knew he was going to ask me about what I meant, so I swiveled it back and smiled.

This set him off a bit. "You and TK are having problems? How come I didn't know about it?"

"We aren't having problems." I said. He didn't believe me, and my hand slid from his shoulder and withdrew back to my side. He now took this hand into his own and I could feel my hear begin to race. This was so close; we were so close to one another, his lips were sensuous, so sensuous and all I wanted to do was taste them, but I had already figured that I never would and so it would remain some unachievable dream. And then I would live with Takeru in our fantasy house away from the rest of the world, and we would get what we deserved.

"Something is wrong, Kari. You aren't telling me something." and the concern flickers in his blue eyes.

I stayed silent still. Pretty soon he is going to get upset and just give up and nurse his broken heart, and I will have to face Takeru in the morning. Damn it, this is going all wrong. He looks like a deer testing the wind, wanting to run away from his problems but stumbling onto someone else's in the process.

"Matt." Finally, a word dared leave my lips, and he released me but I didn't want to let go; I reached out but knew he held back. 

"It has gotten late, hasn't it," and now he's aware of the rain starting to fall, and he takes off his jacket and gives it to me. "Here."

His jacket is warm; and in it I can sense him; his very being. This was Matt's warmth and he was giving it to me. Maybe because I was just a girl, just his brother's girlfriend. Or supposed anyway. I hold it closer around me, as if it's the only thing keeping me alive and he watches.

"Thanks."

"Kari, you look cold. I'll walk you home." He says, but I'm not ready to leave yet, even though by now the sun is gone and water continues to fall from the sky; nothing is fully saturated yet but it will be. Yet I want to stay here, for it's as if time is something that might leave me in an instant. The words poured out of my mouth so fast, because time was something I have to conserve, to save it, because I will never get this moment again, this chance again.

"Matt… you're right. There is something wrong between Takeru and me. Only he doesn't know it yet. He talks of dreams that consist of both him and me; and he thinks I have these same dreams but I don't. I don't Matt; I don't dream of him and when he holds me close I cringe, but I pretend to like it because I don't want to hurt him. I like him; but I don't love him." he attempts to stop me here but it's too late; the words have already started flowing like blood and I can't stop them. The secret vault was tapped into and my thoughts were stopped, and released to him, bearing my secret if all at once.

"I love you and I've always loved you but I've never told you because we were always apart. Jun loved you and Sora loved you and so did Mimi, but you didn't want Jun and Sora didn't want you and Mimi betrayed you. But I always loved you, right from when I first saw you. I did it because I loved you. You have to understand, ever since I was eight I looked up to you. Wanted to reach out, but you wanted nothing to do with me. So I remained at TK's side, for that's where everyone wanted me. Perfect illusion. Never meant to be. I pretended it was. Yet it is I who am blinded by illusion, you. You are my illusion, my dream, and always have been. That is the problem between Takeru and me." 

He stared at me, speechless. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. He wanted to leave. He wanted to get away from me. He was standing up now, horror on his face. Was he having a nightmare?

"And I've been here for you all along. There, I did it." And I felt weak. Revealed. The rain could touch me now. He knew what I was, and now he had to deal with it. I don't care if I'm obsessive. I don't. And I didn't then. I didn't care about anything, even what he might have thought of me. I am still holding on to him and I stand up.

"If you want to know what's real." And I stop; his sensuous lips are still inches before me, and the temptation is too great.

Even as I move forward to touch him, the shadows are moving and taking forms and I know who they are. Mimi and Takeru. And even as I hear Mimi's shrill voice, half choking and crying, and Takeru behind her not quite seeing me, though I know they could see Matt, I pulled him close as he was still speechless and places my lips on his. And behind us, Mimi's voice echoed and became real. 

"Matt! Matt! Oh god Matt, I've been looking all over for you! I can explain everything, I swear! Matt!"

And then she saw us. She saw the kiss. She watched it, her amber eyes growing wide and then she just sort of sank to the ground as Matt pulled away from my embrace, wiping his lips, not knowing what to say or do. There was a light in his eye; he was not amused, in fact I think the look meant that he hated me. And I couldn't stand that look of disappointment.

Takeru came over too, and punched him before he had a chance to realize what had happened; I was on the ground too; crying and half paying attention.

"Matt, what the hell did you think you were doing?"

And then Takeru turned to me. "Kari, Kari, what's wrong? What's going on here?" and he is upset. But the events swirled around my mind. Mimi crying, half sobbing, running into the street. I can understand her more now, as Taichi told me the reason why he was kissing her - sort of what happened with Matt and me. Just luckily or unluckily they were alone and Tai confessed his feelings for her and kissed him, feeling that Matt wasn't taking care of her. She rebuffed him but Matt hadn't waited around.

But I didn't know this then. All I knew was that she was back and obviously couldn't decide on whom she wanted, when I already knew that Matt was mine from the beginning. I wanted to kill her then, or worse, for treating him that way, and yet thank her for sending him straight to me. But she had to come back and ruin it all over again. The tears are hot liquid on my face as she rushed past, and Takeru's trying to hold on to me but I don't want him near me.

"Mimi! Wait!" Matt's voice and I see his feet attached to his legs running past me and forgetting all about me. I want to shout, leave her be Matt, you kissed me. I kissed you. We made a connection. I told you the truth, while everyone else got played for fools. I don't give a damn about anyone else but you, Matt; can't you see that? And yet I couldn't say a word, too choked up by the moment and besides, Takeru was hanging on to me and wouldn't let go. We could still hear him calling after Mimi, even though she was a hypocrite for getting upset.

And then we hear the screeching tires. Takeru put his arms around me but I pushed him away. I had to get up, and see what happened, and who was hurt. I could guess what had happened without seeing it. Mimi ran in front of a car, and Matt must have pushed her out of the way trying to save her. All of us are stupid in some way and no one ever corrects the stupid things we do for love. I admit too, that I do stupid things, but back then I was too miserable to accept anything. Takeru ran after me, perhaps guessing as I had.

Blinded perhaps by madness or the sudden downfall of water that now cascaded down my cheeks as I ran into the street, caught in the glare of the headlights but the car had stopped. In the glow I could see two shadows upon the ground, blood spreading around their bodies unwittingly. Yet it was beautiful. At least, to me. Maybe it resembled something that was meant to be. The rain mixed with the blood; angel tears mixed with destiny. 

As I approached Matt's body as he lay upon the ground I could sense that he was still alive, he seemed semi alert and was mumbling. "Mimi, Mimi…" I felt so sick I wanted to cry again right there and I stood, wet and cold now with his jacket, the jacket he had given to me to keep me warm and I stood, holding it to my body as if it were a second skin. Mimi was near him, lying on the ground, passed out. At that moment I really didn't give a damn about her, and I prayed that she was dead.

She wasn't. But then we thought that she was, and my only concern was Matt. The driver…who was the driver of that car? And I looked up to see Takeru talking to someone, and the light caught in his hair and his eyes and I could see him, it was Ken. Ken Ichijouji had been driving that car, when Mimi ran out into the middle of the street and Matt chased after her. Since then it looked like Mimi wouldn't live I wanted to thank him. But I stayed now, sinking onto my knees next to Matt. He was calling out for Mimi but I blocked his view, and took his coat off and placed it behind his head, and his warm blood came and stained it. And his blood was all on me, in my hands and in his hair. Matt was hemorrhaging and there was no way to stop it.

"Matt." I cried too and placed my face next to his so he could feel my hot tears on his face. And maybe he wasn't really seeing me, then. Maybe he thought I was an angel or something. I cried and told him how much I loved him and didn't care now whether Takeru heard me or not. He stopped calling Mimi's name and looked into my face, I don't know if it was hate or anger or something else whatsoever. He was hurt and he couldn't move and he could only stare. And then he cursed me. I didn't mind. Maybe this was my fault and Ken's own fault for coming along this way and I didn't want to thank him anymore. Instead I stayed over Matt and leaned in closer and told him that everything would be all right, that I would take care of him and do things right. "Forget this, forget Mimi, and just listen to me. To me, the one who has loved you always, even though I never had the courage to admit it."

I tried to be soothing but it wasn't working. My voice cracked with the strain and my throat hurt. I couldn't believe that this had happened but it had all happened so quickly. My dreams smashed. Matt was fading fast and he wanted Mimi bad, and no matter what I said then wouldn't be worth it. I just wanted to feel those lips against mine again; I could still taste them.

Takeru came over to me and I pushed him away. Hurt was in his eyes and confusion, not to mention despair. Ken called an ambulance and we all sat around waiting. Ken bought us coffee but I didn't want any. Takeru was trying to wake Mimi up, but I told him to leave her alone. He sighed at me and we had words. The rain fell harder and still no ambulance. Takeru took off his coat and had it draped around Mimi, but Ken gave me his coat and I wouldn't talk to him. Matt as barely hanging on and his blood was on me. 

I sank back down again next to him and forced him to look at me. "You must love me in some way," I said, crying harder. Yet he still refused to acknowledge me. The look in those eyes towards me were so harsh, and he called out to Takeru. "TK! Take care of Mimi!" but his voice was cracked and broken, and then I realized the inevitable was going to pass soon.

We could hear the wailing of the ambulance in the background, sirens beating against the rain. Those sirens low at first, then louder as they grew nearer. Those eyes, those precious blue accusing eyes were upon me, so once more, I said, with a whisper, "Matt. Didn't that kiss mean anything to you? didn't you feel needed, wanted, if only for a second, if only a small second. Couldn't you sense what was in me?"

And then at last, the accusing look was replaced with a small, sad one, so sad that I could barely look, but yet, fixated. As the words fell from his trembling lips I felt myself fall to the ground and the night and the sirens were soon gone. I never heard his reply; never heard the words he said to me. All I remember is falling through the blackness with bloodstained hands, arms reaching out to catch me as I fell onto his body.

: -: -: -: -: -:

I loved him so much, and it all came apart for me, then. Maybe because I was unworthy of him, maybe because there were others who meant so much more. But I won't forget that kiss. Yamato didn't love me. He was just too caught up in his grief to notice that I kissed him. I kissed him. But it felt good, to have those lips so close. And it was raining, so it was a kiss in the rain. And then he was gone. Gone. He must have been embarrassed. But for a moment there I felt true happiness. I finally got to kiss the man I loved. Truly loved. My childhood hero and later star of my wildest dreams… I just wanted him to myself a little longer. Even if it meant nothing to him at all. But it was real for me. Even if he died right after I administered it. Maybe it was my kiss that caused his death.

The kiss of death that got away…It was a fantasy for me. God how much I wanted it to be real! It could have been real, once maybe. Maybe in my deepest, darkest dreams in the pits of illusions I have thought of Matt. I was only eight years old when I first met him. So young, and so infatuated. And yet I said not a word.

And they wondered why I was so depressed.

Even if it was only a stolen moment… then I will have to keep these stolen moments to myself. It's all that I may have left.

And even now, as I walk these streets alone, I can still hear the water dripping, feel the shadows creeping upon me, the light fading, and Takeru's disembodied face following me. Even if he did by some miracle want me back, I would still say no. If I can't have Matt, I won't settle for second best. I'll go for someone different entirely because I don't want the reminders of what I always wanted and left behind. What I lost because of my selfishness. 

If I only knew then, what I knew now. 

I only wish that I heard what Matt could have said to me, that he loved me too, even in the smallest way possible. Just a little. Just to hear the words fall from his lips. And now I never will hear another word from him. 

How I wish it were me.


End file.
